OCD+ADD=OMG

For some odd reason it made me feel much the same as when I first got my table. Like...my kitchen was suddenly more complete. For ages now, my mother has made tea - her own special kind, usually made unique by combining 2 flavors - and kept a huge pitcher of said tea in her fridge so that we could have iced tea whenever we wanted. So, for some odd reason it felt like another piece of a puzzle coming into view. When I got my kitchen table, I was so excited... not because I'm a stickler for sitting and eating at the table, but because my parents kitchen always had a table. We would always eat at the table as a family... and having a table of my own made me feel like I had been closer to my parents somehow. Does that make sense?

Well anyway. It sent me into somewhat of a fit, and I started bustling around my kitchen. I made sure everything was out of the way and set Harvey to work on the floor. Then......I went through my fridge o..o It's been a while since I cleaned out my fridge. I'm one of those girls that's fairly content to let things be. I don't clean unless I feel it's necessary. And as such I'll go ahead and let something sit until it's actually bothering me, and I have to change it. So...there were several things in my fridge that I could not (at first) identify. I dumped all the old food, now transitioned to several stages of mold cultures. But I am happy to report that not only do I have a pitcher, I also have room in my fridge for my pitcher :)

This is one of those insignificant things that happens in life that eventually, I'm pretty sure I won't even care about... but it makes me feel wonderful right now... so. I'm writing to remind myself.... Sometimes, you have to treasure the little things.

Goodnight.

Take a look at my Tweetin' :3



I said, and I quote, "What's all this I hear about boycotting BP? So because one rig made a huge mistake we're going to put millions into unemployment? Geeze -..-" I followed a statement that 'BP had to be punished' with "That's a tad illogical. BP is a company. The crew on the rig are the ones who made the mistake. I'm guessing they are paying. And no ammount of punishment will fix the problem -..-" This is a statement that I still believe and stand by.


I've always felt that I could discuss anything with Scamp, because we've always discussed anything with one another before. We didn't always agree, but it didn't seem to matter. I thought her friendship was worth more than our differences... which is how I see all my friends. But then this came up and she seemed to get furious with me... Several things were said. I felt that I stated my opinions objectively. But Scamp said several things as well, and a lot of it seemed as though is was to purposefully hurt me.



She posted that she didn't want 'to hear people on their high horse, preaching' which I certainly didn't think I was doing. I thought I was stating my opinion. She also said that since I'm not physically there I have no right to my opinion... which is not only ludicrous, but hurtful. So, because I've moved that means the place I was born and raised in, the place I spent 25 years growing in, and learning how to live life in, is suddenly none of my business? I can't have an opinion about it because I've moved? I replied with "dont think for an instant that I've forgotten the wetlands. I just understand that no ammount of punishment will make it right. You can punish BP all you want. When your villian is gone, you'll still have oil in your wetlands. Forgive me for seeing a biger picture. It'll only put millions of families into unemployment if you just focus on punishment." She said that she was 'standing up for people who couldn't stand up for themselves'.... to which I replied, "And btw, this is a discussion over twitter. You aren't really standing up for anyone. You're tweeting"... she then said that if I was there she'd say it to my face, which ... wasn't what I meant at all. After all, saying or not saying anything to my face doesn't really qualify as 'standing up for' anyone or anything. It's just talking. To stand up for anything, it actually requires that you do something. And all we were doing was talking.



I was then told that I shoved Christianity down her throat, another thing I don't remember, and that our friendship was under a strain...another thing I was unaware of. I loved it when she'd text me and ask me to listen to her talk about her ideas... I loved working through those ideas with her until she reached a conclusion. And she helped me too. I'd always thought of her as my friend despite our difference and I thought she considered me the same... distance was never an issue either. At least not to me.

She then ended the whole thing with a simple 'see you' and deleted her Twitter account.




I was hurt by everything that was said, but I breathed through it and reasoned that she's probably too sensitive about the issue right now (at least, the whole BP oil spill issue) to look at it objectively, being in the thick of it and all. It still hurt that she couldn't see that any fool who turned on the news, and understood that area, would see and be affected by the situation. I swear, I saw the pictures on the Yahoo news page of the brown pelican covered in oil and I just collapsed into sobs...I told myself to just let her breath, take a breath myself... feel the pain and hope that some time would help us both....



Then Scamp posted a huge entry in her journal saying, essentially, that her friends never treated her as well as she thought, and it was only in looking back that she realized it. She mentioned that some of them talked behind her back, and she always heard about it, and she said that people saw her as a friend of leisure...she also said that some people complain that their friends forget them and she didn't understand why they treated her the same way. She didn't name names, I noticed and after reading it I concluded that it had nothing to do with me. There was another few posts, one of which was deleted, but I still was too hurt to comment. I couldn't say anything because every time it just hurt and depressed me.



But then I began to wonder.... is she talking about me? Because that can't really be possible. I treat her badly? I neglect her? I talk behind her back? I treat her as a friend of leisure? No... I certainly wasn't a friend of leisure every time she mentioned that she needed a break and I drove 4 hours to pick her up and bring her to my place. Considering gas prices, it wasn't convenient but it was always worth it because being with her is fun and I always enjoyed it, despite the fact that I had to go out of my way and get her. I would say it also wasn't 'convenient' to pay for everything - every meal and every movie we went to. And believe me, meals at Zen weren't always cheap. And the many gifts that I got for her? The 50th anniversary edition Lord of the Rings and leather-bound Hobbit (books I didn't have for myself, I bought them for myself later). Or I wouldn't say that I'd forgotten about her when I won the once a month drawing for Figure Prints and automatically thought, "I gotta get Fallena for Scamp!!".... These were all things that I just did without even thinking about them, because it just seemed natural. I certainly don't remember ever talking behind her back about her, though I got a few lectures from people about her talking about me and Mom behind our backs.... should I believe all those horrid things that were told to me? 


I texted Reiko, a simple message 'Am I a difficult friend?' She immediately called me back, asking why the hell I would ask. I explained what was going on. There were several 'what!''s  on her part, but I told her to think about it, because I hate to just dismiss someone's words... I asked her if she thought our friendship was strained because we were so far apart. There was a pause and then several expletives later, Reiko had heartily assured me (in her own way) that she couldn't fathom it. That she and I had been friends since she was 9 and that even though we were so different, she'd always thought of me as her closest friend.

I told her that maybe I should call more often, but I feel like I'm the one with no life, so I'd just be bothering everyone. I mean, Reiko has her job and her husband... Scamp has various ailments and I hate the thought that I'd bother her when she's in pain, and she's also got a fiance that she's separated by a greater distance than me, so... I feel like I might call and interrupt them or something... And Chibi...well, Chibi's always been so busy with school and she rarely answers her cell anyway... so. Feeling insignificant has made me hesitant to call, and being ignored a lot has made me feel as though when no one is talking to me nothing is out of order. It's not like I have a lot to report, so why bother calling or e-mailing? 

Reiko told me to call her whenever, and not to even worry about anything. So at the very least, I know that she doesn't feel I've behaved badly (Oh yeah, and Reiko was in Louisiana after a cousin's wedding, and she had the nerve to tell me she was eating crawfish -..- cruel girl). It made me feel a little better, but it still really didn't resolve the issue.

It feels like a tornado I'm just being swept up into, and I keep going round and round and round....And the more I go, the more hurt I am that all those good times are gone. Either way I look at it, I can't help but feel hurt and betrayed and cheated. And because I'm so hurt by it all, I just sit here and tell myself not to react. But I'm not feeling any better. I resolve not to be miserable, but even thinking about it is like gouging and new wound.

I don't really know what to think anymore. I'm just... hurt and confused. And I really just want to take a breath, and go back to how things were. But, I'm not sure if it will anymore...

It doesn't matter. No one cares what you think or how you feel.

Over and over, I told that to myself. It was an internal response to anything and everything.

My heart was broken. It doesn't matter. No one cares what you think or how you feel.

I was really irritated that I couldn't understand my schoolwork. It doesn't matter. No one cares what you think or how you feel.

I couldn't ride my horse, because the endometriosis made it too painful. I couldn't stand to see him sitting alone in the paster anymore, but it nearly killed me to sell him. It doesn't matter. No one cares what you think or how you feel.

Over and over and over. It doesn't matter. No one cares what you think or how you feel. You are irrelevant. You are useless. You are worthless. You are unwanted. And no one cares.

...it's been a while since that voice popped up in my head... Not that it really matters.... I guess. I try to tell myself to clam up. Not to say or do anything till it's all over, and I can't feel anything either way.... Because in the end... I just don't matter.