The Single Most Depressing Day of My Life

[msmoon]

Hey Mina. Today was as the title says the single most depressing day of my life. The speech this morning was nerve racking. Then I had an appointment with my gynecologist at 3:30 or so.

They tried a new procedure on me called a PapSure. It’s much like the papsmear in the fact that after they scrap the lining of the cervix they wash you with this fluid then look at it under a different type of light. It’s supposed to make cancerous cells show up. It was the most painful thing I’ve been though. Much worse than the papsmear. And of course he had to examine me, and that hurt too—not as bad as the papsure but it had its moments. He says it’s the endometriosis that’s making me hurt so much. He decided to take me off my birth control pills and put me on these shots that’ll make my period go away completely.

Mom said I could go out to the car while she paid and got everything taken care of. On the way home she said,

“If it hurts you so much for him to examine you like that...you probably won’t be able to have sex without pain...” it’s something I’ve thought about for a long time—ever since after my first surgery. But to hear it out loud made it crash around me.

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a house wife. To clean house and prepare a meal for my husband when he got home. To love him and make him happy, knowing he loves me back. And now I think I realize that that’ll never be for me. And the closest I’ll ever get to such dreams are reading about it in books.

Hopefully the morning will seem better, because today has been terrible. I’ve been feeling like I wanted to cry all day but I’ve kept it in check—like I always do. When Mom left for church, I bawled like a baby. I cried so hard and so much—in fact I still am—which is totally out of character for me. But I’ve been dealing with this for so long, and the pain never really goes away. I’m tired of hurting...I want it to stop...For the first time in a long time...I wish I were just normal.

MM