Pitty Party

[msmoon]

I woke up this morning to the rain on the tin porche...I thought it was so soothing. Then I looked at my clock to see that it was 5:40 and I had five minutes before I had to get up. I became really depressed about it. I am not a morning person. I never have been. But because of the need for money, I’ve been forced into a full-time position that requires me to wake up at 5:45 every weekday morning. I am exhausted every day. I have grown used to being tired every day. It doesn’t make it any better, but it never comes as a surprise. I am tired and lonely and unable to do anything about it. I resent the fact that I have to do this, even though I’m always ill and/or never feel good. I can’t count the times I’ve wanted so badly to just go home in the middle of the day, but I’ve made myself stay, usually ending up giving myself a panic attack from the strain. I get agrivated that I have to work. Then I become angry with myself, because I have it so much better than most. I should be content with what I have...but I’m not. I have coworkers that somehow make the job a little more fun than it should be, and yet it’s still so stifling. I don’t want to be a whiner...and I don’t want to burden everyone else. So I just keep moving. I should excerise more, I should write more, I should be more grateful... but I’m too damn tired to make myself. The only solice I have is in my day dreams, and I’m too tired to dream.

Maybe I just need a Bahama-vention...or something similare.

Yaviel Islimiel